I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
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