You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize
