I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
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