if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize
