just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
Randomize
