ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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