just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
Randomize
