Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Look what our sorority has done to us...we're hitting on girls in hopes of getting an awesome little.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
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