Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
He is into some weird shit i walked in his room last night he was waving his hard dick around hitting shit yellin cock fight
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
Randomize
