if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
I AM VODKA MAN
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
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