Well if yoir are still awake and secided to drink... You may aswell drink
That text needs to switch to water.
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
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