My sheets look like a crime scene.
I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
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