I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
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