I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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