Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
Randomize
