She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
nothing says platonic group sex like a campfire and smores
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
Randomize
