hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
Actions speak louder than pants.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
Walking in on a gay threesome, with a girl in the corner watching and taking vid is a reason to not only knock, but to never go to Savannah.
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
I think people are normalizing furries
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize
