i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
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