Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
sometimes you have to go after what you want
true. and i really want to cum
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
Randomize
