Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
i hate that site..its like every vagina you dont wanna see
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
I vaguely remember chanting "USA" at the pool when we were talking to the Frenchies.
We were pointing at fat people and chanting USA.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
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