The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
Nothing on google about my condom issue. However, if you get a chance google: condom with teeth.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
I have feelings that need drinking.
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Randomize
