please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
they are using this drunk girl like a spin the bottle in the hot tub, whoever she lands on she makes out with.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
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