bruce springsteen sings some of the most romantic songs i've ever heard.
the hells wrong with u
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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