dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
I just googled if crying burns calories
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
