wakey wakey hands off snakey
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
