I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
Randomize
