my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
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