I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
Hate to say it and even though I definitely have a biased opinion but I'm surprised your not, sleeping with anyone else. Good personality, charisma and amazing in the sack.
Feel free to use me as a reference.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
Randomize
