there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
Yes, one should always join a cult. At least once.
Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
Randomize
