she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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