Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
do herpes really smell.
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
