In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
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