Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
Randomize
