Soooo billy mays was on coke. I'm about as shocked as I was when Clay Aiken came out
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
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