trsut me youll find me, im the only kanye west here and every1 is chanting dbag at me
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
Randomize
