We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
my orientation roommate looks just like New York of Flavor Flav fame
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
Randomize
