Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
They wouldn't serve more then two Shots per person, so you grabbed a group of strangers and said u werre buying them all shots, then proceeded to drink all of them.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
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