How is your vagina???
Double booked
With your butt?
Totes, candlesticks and all
Yay!!
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
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