Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Randomize
