I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Randomize
