As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
Landen experienced Greenville for the first time last night. He was awaken by 2 cops and 4 EMS guys this morning in the bed of that truck that is for sale at the swashbuckler carwash, said he was trying to walk to waffle house... Greenville- 1, Landen- 0
jesus, I think that canada gold metal game has completely changed all rules of acceptable drinking habits, I was fucked untill noon and I just got invited to go party when I get off work...at 600am...and NO ONE understood why i was hesitant
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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