I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
Randomize
