he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
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