pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
Is it bad that when my prof gave examples of "stalking" behavior, I either have done or would do most of them?
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
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