Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
My dad got me a charm braclet....his way of trying to support my gayness....
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
i now understand why vodka
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
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