wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
Randomize
