i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
