i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
