It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
Four minutes until I can fart!
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
