omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
I just figured it out. Meghan has the same smile as Sylvester Stallone.
Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
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